Relationship Insights

Repair. Grow. Sustain

April 28, 2018
strong silent type

You are the strong silent type, and now she wants you to talk?!

She married you because you are the strong silent type, and now she wants you to talk?!  Why is it that being strong and silent isn't enough? How did you learn that expressing feelings is a sign of weakness - for a man? But a sign of strength for a woman? Do you take for granted that women can speak, weep and express feelings? But that a man stands there, stoic and silent? No matter what his grief, shame or disappointment?
September 12, 2018
How many serious ruptures does it take before your relationship is beyond repair?

What causes relationship failure?

Couples often ask how many serious ruptures does it take before their relationship is beyond repair. In other words, when is it time to give up? Clearly they are in despair. The answer to this is not straight forward, and here is an analogy to demonstrate the complexities of such a situation.

Say you have a garden, with a patch of lawn/turf that gets a lot of traffic. (This is the vulnerable part of your relationship.) The kids take a shortcut on the way to the front door.  You take a shortcut on the way to the car.  The dog has a favourite circuit of the yard, which includes that particular patch of grass. The habits of life create a lot of wear-and-tear for that patch.
September 15, 2018
To create agreed or shared meaning as a couple you will share memories, experiences and ritiuals around special events such as anniversaries.

Creating agreed meaning as a couple

When two people get together as a couple, they bring two completely different ideas of what things mean. Sorting out these meanings takes time. The differences […]
September 22, 2018
Trust is built over time. Trust involves your own ability to trust, and to discover the trustworthiness of your partner.

How to build trust as a couple?

In another Insight, "How many serious ruptures" I summarised the basis for building trust as a couple.   Firstly, you consistently turn towards opportunities to connect with your partner. Secondly, you acknowledge and talk about any feelings of unhappiness with your partner. And thirdly, you consistently see your partner in a favourable light.  That is, you cultivate a benevolent perspective, where you interpret your partner kindly. Here in this Insight I give much more detail about how trust is gradually and consistently built over time. (Trust can also be eroded over time, but that is not the perspective I am taking here.)
September 29, 2018
Keeping sex alive. Do you think sex should "just happen" or do you plan and prepare?

Keeping sex alive

Finally we get right to the heart of the sexual aspect of your relationship. How you keep sex alive will depend on your own individuality, as well as the individuality of your partner. And of course, how you combine that individuality. The next few Insights will focus on sexuality, so we will cover the subject fairly thoroughly. In this Insight you will be invited into self-inquiry. Self-knowledge is crucial for every aspect of relationship, and especially your sexuality.
November 12, 2018
What to avoid when texting? Complaints, insults, secrets, explanations, and unexpected bad - or even good news. Keep the big conversations for face to face.

What to avoid texting!

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