A: The Gottman’s claim that only 30% of problems in a relationship are solvable.
But many more are negotiable.
Even very difficult issues become less overwhelming when you understand the dynamics of the issue.
And your attitude towards those issues changes when you have more knowledge.
Even better, you learn ways to talk about the issues, rather than tip-toe around them. You learn to feel less threatened by differences with your partner.
Lastly, the conflict in difficult situations help us to grow, and that is a good thing. By growth I mean you are able to handle more and more complex issues without being overwhelmed.
You can ask the relationship doctor anything to do with relationships, and you will discover an Insight that covers your query. If you don’t discover the answer her, just ask.
A: Even when an Insight is not a direct “hit” for you, you gain insight into others. The distance between you and your partner on this issue could be greatly reduced.
You might not relate to an Insight immediately, but you will remember it when a further situation arises.
However, for major issues, such as addiction and recovery from affairs, seek the help of a suitably qualified couples therapist.
A: The Insights apply to anyone. You learn about all relationships, not just coupledom.
You will learn about yourself, about your partner and the relationship itself. These are three different things. So a particular Insight might not help you with your relationship, but it will help you with yourself. Or your partner.
If you are hoping to be in a relationship, you will learn a lot about what a healthy relationship looks like.
If you are coming out of a relationship, you might have some painful but useful retrospective learning.
A: Underpinning all the Insights is the need for differentiation. Differentiation enables us to be aware of our own needs and perspective, as well as the needs and perspective of the other, without collapsing into either. Differentiation stands us in good stead in all interpersonal relationships.
Fundamental to all the Insights is a modelling of secure attachment. Most of us come into our relationships with various patterns of insecure attachment. In other words, the way we were given love, and learned to receive love, was compromised. The very good news is that we can learn to love well, and to receive love well, through patterns of secure attachment. Many of the Insights show you how to do this.
Brain science is an exciting field, which reveals much about human behaviour that we only guessed at before. You will discover relevant references to brain science throughout these Insights.
Because my background is in Jungian depth psychology and psychoanalytic psychotherapy, both of these flavours provide spice for the Insights.
Lastly, because my PhD is in philosophy, philosophers ancient and modern will show up sometimes when they really have something to contribute.
A: These relationship insights are about relationships, inclusive of race, age, religion, gender, sexual orientation, etc. You, my clients have spanned most of these differences, and I have learned a lot from you. Thank you.
A: I give links to experts who I can vouch for as trustworthy in their fields, as well as further reading. Check ou the Therapists Bookshelf. And other Insights often provide a different slant on the same issue.
If you struggling with making changes, particularly when you partner is pushing for the change, this Insight will help.
Copyright Kaye Gersch 2018.