R eading as I did, post-relationship, I learned a lot about what went wrong and how to build on my strengths for future relationships. I had many light bulb moments, painful but also very healing. I have now applied my learning in my work with couples and individuals.

At the same time, he is very practical in his advice. On this website, you will learn more about applying mindfulness in Why take the most benevolent perspective, and also in When Distraction Stops a Fight.

I particularly like the chapter on Conflicts. This is always a hot topic in relationship counselling. Richo says, “it is useful to realize that in the journey from romance to conflict, we move through three modes”: ideal states when we are our best selves, normal states which mark a level of adult functioning with neither highs nor lows, low ebb, when we are at our worst. I cannot emphasize too strongly that it is best to have the conversations that involve the most conflict, that are the most emotion-laden when we are at our best.

When we are at a low ebb it is best to postpone all important discussions, and instead work on calming, soothing, comforting and nourishing ourselves and our partner.